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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918450">Becoming Alexander</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nukacola3/pseuds/nukacola3'>nukacola3</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AgentReign, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Dysphoria, F/M, FTM Alex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Self-Discovery, Trans Male Character, Transgender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:35:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nukacola3/pseuds/nukacola3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex wonders through figuring out his identity and transitioning with the help of Nia.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Gym Accident</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I am a trans male myself, some of these experiences are based off of my own. No trans experiences are the same. The first paragraph includes reference to self-harm so be aware of that. Also the first chapter includes the use of ace bandages and I am in no way endorsing that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was becoming too much. Alex couldn’t handle not having a binder anymore. Excruciating heat and he was forcing himself to wear hoodies due to dysphoria. He wasn’t out to anyone so he couldn’t ask for a binder. It was bad enough wearing hoodies in the heat but his mom made a point to always remind him of it. “I don’t understand why you wear those hoodies. It’s hot!” she would say. Sitting in the bathroom and staring at his recently healed scars. The cutting wasn’t working anymore, it wasn’t relieving his dysphoria. He needed something else. Reading over and over on countless websites about how dangerous binding with ace bandages is, but what other choice did he have?</p><p><br/>
Luckily, they had some in the cabinet. He took his shirt off and stared at his chest. It’s not supposed to be like this, he thought. Taking a deep breath, “You can do this. It’ll be okay.” He started to wrap the bandages around his chest, as flat as he could make it, but still able to breathe. Sliding his shirt back on, “That should be fine.” He thought.</p><p><br/>
For the first time in over 7 months, Alex didn’t wear a hoodie to school. And he was glowing. His mom teased him about it on the way out, but he just ignored it. </p><p><br/>
“Did you forget a hoodie? I can go back and get you one?” Kara asked after they got into the car. </p><p><br/>
Alex could see the concern in her eyes and wondered if it was obvious how much discomfort he was in. He shook his head, “No I’m okay. It’s hot today anyway.”</p><p><br/>
“It was hotter yesterday.” Kara wanted to say, but she let it go. Alex looked happier today and she didn’t want to ruin that.</p><p><br/>
Instead she said, “Excited to see Sam? She’s been talking about you nonstop over the weekend.”</p><p><br/>
“Really?” Alex smiled. He had a huge crush on Sam, and never imagined her having an interest in him. “Do you think she’ll come to the game tonight?” Alex was the star striker on the Midvale soccer team. </p><p><br/>
“She might but you know, girls like to be asked to those things.” Kara said while snickering.</p><p><br/>
“Says the one who’s been eye fucking Lena for weeks now.” Alex snapped back.</p><p><br/>
“Hey! That’s not true. Lena is my best friend and that is all.” Kara said, but truly she was interested in Lena, just a little. Well, okay, maybe more than a little. But Kara knew Alex was struggling, with what she wasn’t sure, and didn’t want to make a big deal about her crush. </p><p><br/>
Sam sat by Alex in Chemistry and decided then would be the best time</p><p><br/>
Obviously nervous, Alex said, “So as you know I play tonight and was wondering if you wanted to come watch. If not it’s totally fine no pressure. Maybe afterwards we could get ice cream. Again, if not that’s okay. I understand you’re a busy person.”</p><p><br/>
“Alex of course I want to go. You’re the best soccer player out there, even better than the guys.” Sam said</p><p><br/>
Alex’s heart dropped. Even with the binding, he wasn’t seen as a boy. He tried not to show it, but he was upset and his dysphoria was becoming significantly worse by the minute. </p><p><br/>
“Oh, um, okay yeah. I’ll um I’ll see you then.” Alex said as the bell rang and he quickly made his way out of class. Not making eye contact with Sam.</p><p><br/>
Sam could tell she upset Alex. But how? She was the one who asked her. It didn’t make sense. But nonetheless she was excited for the game.</p><p><br/>
Alex made his way to gym. He hated gym and always wore sporty clothes to avoid the locker rooms. Nothing was worse than changing in a locker room, forced to be reminded of his birth sex. But he had gym with Nia, and she always seemed to make it better.</p><p><br/>
They were playing capture the flag and he was exceptional at it. Nia and he always dominated at any activity in gym. But today was more difficult because he had ace bandages on. He tried to play it cool but he was hurting and it was getting hard to breathe.</p><p><br/>
Alex missed an opening to break into the enemies territory. “What’s up with you Alex? Too busy thinking about Arais?” Nia said with a smirk.</p><p><br/>
“Uh yeah sure” Alex said, unsure of if he truly heard Nia. It was becoming too hard to breathe. He had to go into the locker room and take it off but he wasn’t sure if he could do it alone. He ran towards the locker room anyway.</p><p><br/>
“Hey Alex, wait up!” Nia called, unsure of where Alex was headed. </p><p><br/>
She ran into the locker room to find Alex on the bench, hyperventilating. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? I’m here, Alex”</p><p><br/>
“ I can’t b-breathe” Alex struggling to say, tugging at his shirt hoping Nia would get the idea.</p><p><br/>
And Nia did. She wasn’t sure of what she was seeing, she didn’t want to be. Seeing what looked like ace bandages, Nia helped Alex take off his shirt. She was right; it was ace bandages. Extremely tight at that. Those were typically worn by trans men, Nia thought. Then she realized, today was the first day she has ever seen Alex without a hoodie and it clicked. Alex was trans.</p><p><br/>
Realizing Alex was still wrapped in the bandages, she helped him take them off. He turned around the instant all of them were taken off. Insanely embarrassed, hurt and hoping Nia didn’t recognize what he had on, he said, “Can you hand me my shirt please?” He continued to cough and catch his breath.</p><p><br/>
Nia just stood there for a moment. Fazed by everything she had learned and unsure of what to do she didn’t hear Alex’s request. </p><p><br/>
“Nia, my shirt” Alex said a little louder, becoming more uncomfortable the longer his shirt was off. </p><p><br/>
“Oh yeah. Here.” Nia said as she handed Alex his shirt. Still trying to process it all.</p><p><br/>
“I’m okay now you can go back out there.” Alex said, he needed a moment alone.</p><p><br/>
“You know.. I know what those are. They’re ace bandages and they’re typically worn by trans men. It’s okay if you are transgender but those are extremely dangerous Alex.” Nia said, trying to be comforting but also wanting to make sure Alex knew he couldn’t continue wearing them.</p><p><br/>
Shit, Alex thought, she knew. </p><p><br/>
Well. Now was a better time than any to tell someone. He started crying. “I couldn’t wear the hoodies anymore. It was too much and it felt nice to have a flat chest.”</p><p><br/>
Nia’s heart broke. She knew the feeling of dysphoria and how detrimental it could be. “I know Alex, trust me I know. But those are really dangerous and can seriously hurt your ribs. I have my hoodie with me if you want it. It reeks of girl though.” Nia laughed, trying to release the tension.</p><p><br/>
Letting out a small smile, Alex lifted his head out from his hands. “I would like that. Thank you.” He said, almost a whisper.</p><p><br/>
Handing her hoodie from her locker to Alex, Nia said, “It’s okay you know, to be trans. I know it’s hard and it seems like no one would understand. I do and I’m here if you ever need to talk or have questions. I transitioned years ago and know quite a bit about trans boys as well.”</p><p><br/>
He put the hoodie on and took a deep breathe, not wanting to cry again. “It’s just. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of dysphoria to someone. How do I explain the utter feeling of disconnection from my own body? How to I explain the feeling of discomfort when receiving hugs and wearing anything but a hoodie? It’s too much Nia.” And he was crying again. “It’s all too much. I don’t wear anything but a hoodie and joggers. I make up an excuse every time Kara wants to have a ‘sister’s night’ because I can’t enjoy hanging out with her knowing she sees me as her sister. I adore swimming, it used to be one of my favorite activities. But how am I supposed to swim when I can barely handle seeing myself in a shirt? I don’t know Nia. I just wish I didn’t feel this way.” He looked up to see Nia crying too.</p><p><br/>
Slowly sitting next to Alex, Nia put her arm around him and said almost in a whisper, “I know Alex. I remember how it felt. I remember taking showers in the dark unable to look at my body. I remember dangerously tucking to avoid being outed. And even though I’m years into my transition, I still feel dysphoria. Not as bad as I once did, but it’s still there. It takes time to accept yourself and to come to love yourself as you are. I can get you a binder, my dad wouldn’t mind. I just need you to know that you have me and you have someone you can talk to. But you have to promise me no more ace bandages.” </p><p><br/>
“You would do that for me? And I promise I won't use them anymore.” Alex couldn’t believe it. He was going to get a binder. A real binder. He hugged Nia so hard Nia thought she was going to break something.</p><p><br/>
“For sure. The trans siblings stick together.” Nia could see how happy Alex was. “But I want to ask, is Alex still okay? Or is there another name you prefer?”</p><p><br/>
Alex thought for a moment, the name didn’t really bother him. He liked being called Alex. Although he did hate Alexandrea. “I like being called Alex but my full first name is Alexander.” </p><p><br/>
“Alexander it is.” Nia hugged him again.</p><p><br/>
<em>Alexander</em>. He liked the sound of that.  </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The truth comes out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a while, I apologize. Many things have been happening in my personal life and I simply couldn't find time to write. I realized I had put "Alexandrea" instead of "Alexandra" in the first chapter and I corrected it in this one. As I said before, this is based off some of my experiences and no trans experiences are the same. I appreciate comments and feedback. Anyway, behold chapter two.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Numb.</p><p><br/>
That’s all Alex felt from the events that occurred earlier that day. <em>How could he have been so stupid?</em> And now someone knew. It was a weird feeling: finally having someone know that you’re trans. It’s like a breath of fresh air and a punch to the gut all at once. He was too consumed with his own thoughts to realize Sam had been trying to get his attention. </p><p><br/>
“Hey Alex, you alright? I’ve been calling your name since I walked out the doors. I heard what happened in gym and wanted to know if you were okay.” She didn’t know much, but she knew Alex loved gym and would never have ran out. Sam hoped Alex would tell her what was really going on, but didn’t want to pressure.</p><p><br/>
His heart sunk. <em>She knew? How much did she know?</em> He decided asking was the easiest way find out, he didn’t want to overshare if she didn’t know what all took place. “Oh, what all did you hear by chance?” He thought his heart would beat out of his chest. </p><p><br/>
Sam could tell something happened that Alex was scared of her knowing about and didn’t want to make Alex anymore uncomfortable. “I heard Lena telling Kara how she saw you look like you were going to pass out and then ran out of the gym with Nia. Did something else happen? You can talk to me, whatever it is, but if not that’s okay too.” Curious and caring but not overstepping. </p><p><br/>
Alex didn’t want to do this now. He had only just told Nia and it wasn’t exactly by choice. “Oh, um, I’m not sure, I felt light headed all of a sudden and didn’t want to pass out on the court, so I decided to run to the locker room.” Attempting to not make eye contact and hoping Sam wouldn’t ask anymore questions, Alex said, “So are you still coming to the game tonight? I might just score a goal.” He made eye contact with her for the first time in their conversation and smiled. </p><p><br/>
<em>I love your smile</em>, Sam thought. She definitely wasn’t convinced of Alex’s story, but didn’t want to press the issue. “I will make sure I’m there, but if you don’t score I’m not so sure I’ll be available for ice cream after.” She said blushing.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, a challenge I see? Wrong choice Arias.” He was very interested in Sam and knew he would have to tell her at some point for a relationship to work out between them, but wasn’t sure how or even if she would like him after knowing. </p><p><br/>
“Gross. Quit it with the flirting!” Kara yelled as she walked up to the car. </p><p><br/>
“You sure managed to take your time today, I guess it was Lena?” Alex smirked, he knew that would make Kara flustered.</p><p><br/>
And it worked. She immediately turned bright red. “We are just friends Alex! Now get in the car so we can go home.” </p><p><br/>
Sam was laughing, “You really like picking on her don’t you?” </p><p><br/>
“How could I not? She gives me so many opportunities.” He was laughing as well. “Anyways, be prepared for ice cream Arias.” </p><p><br/>
--------------</p><p><br/>
 It was quiet ride home, which was rare for the Danvers. “I assume Lena told you what happened.” Alex said finally breaking the silence.</p><p><br/>
Kara cleared her throat. “I did. Nia wouldn’t say anything about it, do you want to talk about it, Alex?” She really hoped Alex would talk about whatever has been going on. And she noticed Alex was now wearing a hoodie and was in an opposite mood than in the morning. </p><p><br/>
He wasn’t sure. He loved Kara, trusted her more than anyone, and knew she would accept him, but was still very terrified. What does this mean for us? He thought.</p><p><br/>
Alex always struggled with his identity growing up, who he was and how others perceived him. It never truly felt right when Eliza would say <em>Alexandra</em> or call him her <em>daughter</em> but he never could understand why. Something always felt out of place, especially when he went through puberty. He began wearing hoodies to hide his undetermined discomfort. Growing breasts and having a period never did sit right with Alex. It felt alienated, like this isn’t how things are supposed to be. Almost worse than enduring the utter discomfort was not having the words to express it. How does one simply say <em>their body doesn’t match their brain?</em> He never even heard of the word transgender until meeting Nia and she was so open about it. Alex overheard her talking to Kara about it and describing how it felt and, although it was switched, he knew he felt the same way. </p><p><br/>
After he heard that conversation, he researched for hours everything and anything he could possibly find on people who were transgender. The typical “Am I transgender? Quiz” He read somewhere that in order to be 100% sure that you’re trans, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say it. He tried for days, anytime he began to say it, he would cry. The truth was, Alex hadn’t truly accepted himself and it was going to be hard until he did. </p><p><br/>
Eventually, a few months later, he was able to look in the mirror and say “I am transgender” and he cried. It was a weird and overwhelming feeling, knowing exactly who you are and why you felt that way for so long. He wondered if Kara could relate to the feeling of not knowing your identity. Alex was sure she could but didn’t know how to tell her and really couldn’t handle all the questions that she would have.</p><p><br/>
He decided to simply tell her the truth, he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Kara understood, she was concerned about Alex, as always, but respected that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. </p><p><br/>
--------------</p><p><br/>
In his own zone, Alex was running drills before the game when he heard Nia call out his name.</p><p><br/>
“Hey, I wanted to come check in on you before and to make sure you’re feeling and breathing okay.”</p><p><br/>
Truthfully, he hurt pretty bad, but soccer was everything to him and he wasn’t going to skip the game. “I feel okay, my ribs hurt quite a bit, as long as I don’t get hit to the ground I’ll be alright.” </p><p><br/>
Nia didn’t quite believe him, she had heard how bad the after effects of using ace bandages were but knew she wasn’t going to talk Alex out of playing. “Yeah, right.” She huffed. “Try to stay out of contact and ice later okay? Also I wanted to let you know I need to measure you before I can order a binder so I know it’s not too tight. I’m free tomorrow after school if you are.”</p><p><br/>
Just the thought of getting a binder made him ecstatic. “I definitely will, promise. And yes, that will work for me.” He was glowing with anticipation. </p><p><br/>
“Okay, sweet. In case you were wondering, I didn’t say anything to anyone about what happened. Kara and Lena questioned me but whether they know or not is up to you, not me, to decide.” </p><p><br/>
He hugged Nia, “Thank you, that means a lot.”</p><p><br/>
“For sure, kiddo.”</p><p><br/>
----------------<br/>
As the game was about to kickoff, Alex looked up and saw Kara, Lena, Sam, and Nia all had cutouts of his face on them. “Oh dear god” he thought. </p><p><br/>
He managed to score two goals and an assist, which meant ice cream with Sam. </p><p><br/>
Quickly changing out of his uniform, he left to find Sam. “Hey showoff, all I said was score one not drive the whole game.” He heard Sam say as he finally found her. </p><p><br/>
“What can I say? I warned you not to challenge me.” Alex said with a smirk. </p><p><br/>
Kara, Lena, and Nia all told him great game as they went their separate ways, well, as Nia went her own way. </p><p><br/>
“Still up for ice cream, Arias?” </p><p><br/>
Sam was blushing. “I mean you did manage to score a goal, so I suppose I owe you a date.”</p><p><br/>
A date. He had never called it that and knew he had to tell her if something romantic was going to come out of this.</p><p><br/>
“Yes, a date. I was thinking we could walk there, I want to talk to you about something if that’s alright.” He was rubbing the back of is head, obviously extremely anxious. </p><p><br/>
Sam grabbed his hand, “It’s okay, Alex. Whatever you want to talk about I’m here for you.” </p><p><br/>
He felt a little calmer as he was now holding her hand, but Alex was unsure of how to start it.</p><p><br/>
“So, you know how Nia is transgender?” He asked, trying to breathe, which was incredibly painful at the moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I do.”</p><p><br/>
He stopped in his tracks, he was attempting to go over every possible way he could tell her and he was having trouble with words. “I um well I”</p><p><br/>
Sam held his face in her hands. “Alex, it’s okay. Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p><br/>
Alex felt a surge of confidence run through him and decided he needed to speak before he lost it. “I’m um I’m not sure how well I’ll be at answering questions but I really do have strong feelings for you and if a relationship is going to happen then there’s something you need to know. I’m trans, like Nia.” He was holding his breath and staring at the concrete beneath him, not wanting to see Sam’s reaction.</p><p><br/>
“So, you’re a boy?” Sam asked</p><p><br/>
He took a deep breath, “Yes. I understand if you don’t want to go on a date with me anymore.” Alex still wasn’t making eye contact and was trying to keep his emotions together. </p><p><br/>
“Hey, look at me.” Sam said in the most soothing and quiet voice.</p><p><br/>
Alex looked up at her hesitantly. </p><p><br/>
“It’s okay that you’re a boy. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. It might take me a couple weeks to get the pronouns right but I don’t see any less of you.”</p><p><br/>
And he was crying. Sam just hugged him. </p><p><br/>
“It’s okay, Alex. I’m here.”</p><p><br/>
He stepped back and wiped his tears. “Sorry about your shirt.” Alex said while laughing.</p><p><br/>
“It’s alright, I think the tear stains add a nice effect.” </p><p><br/>
“It’s um, it’s Alexander by the way. You can still call me Alex, that’s fine but I figured you should know my full name now.”</p><p><br/>
“I think that suits you very well, Alexander.” Sam smiled as she held his hand again. “So what do you say, ice cream now?” </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Nerves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey. I realize it's been over a year since I last posted. I was living in a toxic household, wasn't able to transition, and then covid happened. After I moved out, I started testosterone and college. It's taken me a while to be okay mentally and be stable in college. I wanted to get back into writing. Figured might as well continue this story. I'm going to try to write once a week or maybe two.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ping ping ping (alarm)</p><p>Alex groggily silenced his alarm for school as he didn’t sleep throughout the night. He couldn’t stop thinking. His thoughts consumed him. Sure, Sam didn’t care last night but she’s had time to think about it. What if she decided she didn’t want to be with him? What if she would rather date a cis man? All these what ifs ate at him. To be honest, he was terrified of seeing Sam. But as he rolled over to get up, his phone pinged. It was Sam.</p><p>“Hey Alexander :)" read the message. </p><p>He couldn’t believe it. She did still want to talk to him and she called him Alexander. It was such a surreal feeling. The girl he liked knew the truth and still liked him. Who would’ve thought? Of course there was still a lot to discuss but, it was a start. </p><p>Alex quickly got dressed in his typical baggy clothes with, of course, a hoodie to go with it. “Just a couple more weeks, then I’ll have a binder.” Nia had invited him over today after school to measure for a binder. He was ecstatic and could barely believe he was finally getting a binder. </p><p>As soon as Kara and him walked out the front door, Kara gently shoved him and with enthusiasm said, “Sooo how was your date with Sam? Did you kiss her? I want to know everything.” <br/>His face turned bright red and he was smiling. “What? No, we didn’t kiss. We talked the whole walk to get ice cream and then argued over which was the best flavor, which is obviously Rocky Road.”</p><p>Kara replied, “Well… the ice cream flavor is definitely debatable but I’m really happy it went well. I think Sam will be good for you. Maybe she’s someone you can talk to.” Kara knew Alex was still struggling with something but she didn’t know what. She hopes Alex will confide in Sam, at least someone. She noticed Alex was wearing a hoodie again, but she seemed in better spirits than usual.</p><p>“Yeah, I enjoy talking to Sam.” Wanting to change the subject, “Oh, before I forget, don’t wait for me after school. I’m hanging out with Nia.”</p><p>Alex could feel that Kara wanted him to confide in her, but he wasn’t ready. Kara was the most important person to him, he was terrified of losing her, of losing their bond. He didn’t want it to be weird. He knew she was supportive of Nia but he’s her brother. Well, to Kara he’s her sister. </p><p>-------------</p><p>On his way to chemistry, Alex became nervous. He was going to see Sam in person for the first time after coming out to her. It felt weird. He knew Sam was supportive but couldn’t stop thinking about the what ifs. However, his nerves quickly vanished as Sam waved him down when he entered the room.</p><p>“Hey soccer star, I still can’t believe you showed me up last night. Then you claimed Rocky Road as the superior ice cream flavor. Unbelievable!” Sam said as she laughed.</p><p>“Arias, I told you not to challenge me but you didn’t listen and it’s not my fault Rocky Road is superior. It’s just how it is.” Alex was laughing as well. </p><p>After he sat down, the nerves came back up. He wasn’t sure what to say. Should he talk more about him coming out? What if it makes her uncomfortable? What if she doesn’t want to talk about it? However, his thoughts were shut down as Sam asked if they could talk about last night.</p><p>“We can argue about ice cream flavors another day. How are you feeling today? After what you told me last night.” Sam said. She was nervous. She didn’t mind that Alex was trans, it didn’t change how she felt about him. But she still carried a lot of questions and didn’t want to pry or force him to talk about it if he wasn’t ready. </p><p>Alex shifted uncomfortably in his chair and started running his hands through his hair. “I’m doing okay. I’m not going to lie; I was really scared to tell you and I’m still a little nervous. It doesn’t bother you, does it? I mean, you wouldn’t rather be with a cis guy?” His hands started to sweat and his leg started shaking out of anxiety.</p><p>Sam noticed his body language and could tell this was stressing him out. She put her had on his thigh as she said “Alex, I like you for you. Whether you’re a boy or not, it doesn’t matter to me. Have I ever dated a trans guy? No. Is there a lot I don’t know? Yes. But I like you, and I have a lot to learn but I want to. I want to be with you, Alexander.” </p><p>Alex went quiet. His leg stopped shaking and he wasn’t sure what to say. The what ifs were still swirling around in his head but he liked Sam and wanted to trust her. <br/>“Okay, well, after school today I’m heading over to Nia’s house if you want to come. I wear hoodies all the time because I hate that my chest isn’t flat. I’ve been wanting a binder, which is basically a really tight sports bra that helps flatten your chest, but I haven’t told my mom yet so I haven’t been able to get one. Nia said her dad would get me one but I have to go over and measure. You don’t have to if you don’t want to but if you do, I’m sure Nia wouldn’t mind.” He decided to trust Sam and what she was saying.</p><p>Sam began beaming as her face lit up. “Yes yes yes of course. I’d love to go.”</p><p>-------------</p><p>After school, Sam followed Alex as they went to meet up with Nia. Sam reached to hold Alex’s hand as they were walking.<br/>“Hey Nia, I invited Sam to come over as well, if that’s okay with you.” Alex said as they approached Nia.</p><p>Nia was a little confused as she said, “Yeah, I don’t mind but umm-“ Alex cut her off before she could finish her sentence.</p><p>“It’s okay, I told Sam last night. She knows and I thought she could come along and we could talk more about it.” Alex said proudly as he squeezed Sam’s hand. And with that they headed over to Nia’s.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If Alex seems out of character, I try to put as much of myself in Alex as I can. That includes my anxious thoughts. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I hope you like this chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Nia's House</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, I'm really glad you guys liked the last chapter. I finished finals this week and I've been stressed with moving. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you guys enjoy it too.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, my dad’s still at work and my mom’s busy painting in her studio but there’s food in the kitchen and my room is down the hall to the right” Nia said as she walked Sam and Alex into her home.</p><p>Sam and Alex look at each other then Alex says “No, I think we’re okay”</p><p>They head down to Nia’s room. Nia picks up a tape measurer and hands it to Alex. “Okay so measure around your chest and from shoulder to shoulder and then we’ll see what size and order a binder.”</p><p>Alex is beaming. “Okay, thanks again Nia.” </p><p>He heads to the bathroom and Nia and Sam sit on Nia’s bed. It’s silent for a couple minutes then Nia says, “I’m assuming you have questions and you’re afraid to ask Alex.”</p><p>Sam starts nervously messing with her hands. “Yeah, I do. He hasn’t really talked about it much. He just came out to me and I don’t want to push him to talk about it if he’s not ready.” </p><p>Nia, “I get that. He might be nervous that you don’t want to talk about it or it makes you uncomfortable. I think he just figured it out himself. Alex will share when he feels comfortable.”</p><p>Alex walks back into the room. “Okay so a 35 on the chest and a 15 on the shoulders.” </p><p>Nia, “I believe that’s a medium but let me check”</p><p>Alex sits by Sam as Nia gets up to grab her laptop.</p><p>Sam, “Hey, are you okay?”</p><p>Alex, “yeah I’m nervous but really excited” he says while smiling. “I don’t have to wear hoodies anymore. Well, at least not in the summer.”</p><p>Sam, “I’m really excited for you, but what’s making you nervous?” </p><p>Before he gets a chance to say anything, Nia walks back into the room. “Okay, I was right it was a medium and I assumed you’d want skin tone so I went ahead and ordered it. Only thing is it takes around 2-3 weeks to get here.”</p><p>Alex’s heart sinks a little as he says “Only 3 more weeks then I don’t have to wear hoodies.”</p><p>Everyone stays quiet for a minute then Alex says, “It’s Kara. She’s the reason I’m nervous” He tries not to make eye contact. “I can’t bring myself to tell her but she’d notice if I suddenly stopped wearing hoodies. The day I used aced bandages I didn’t wear one and she asked me about it. I don’t know what to do. I hate lying to her.”</p><p>Nia, “If I can ask? What’s keeping you from telling her? You’re the most important person to Kara”</p><p>Alex, “That’s exactly it. She’s knows me as her sister. We grew up as sisters. What if she can’t see me as a guy? What if I lose Kara?”</p><p>Nia, “It may take Kara a minute to adjust but you’re the same person. The same person Kara grew up with. Her view of you isn’t changing, it’s adjusting. I assume you’ve been pushing her away a little. I think she’ll be happy to know you’re okay”</p><p>Alex, “What if she has questions and I can’t answer them? I don’t know how to answer them.”</p><p>Sam holds Alex’s hand. “I think Kara would understand. You don’t have to know everything right now. There’s a lot of time to figure things out. You don’t have to tell her now; you can tell her when you’re ready.”</p><p>Nia, “You guys are gross but Sam’s right. Tell Kara when you feel comfortable but know that she’ll be on your side.” They laugh.</p><p>Nia hears the front door open. “Sorry, I told my dad I’d help him outside when he got home. The joys of being the only child living at home.”</p><p>Sam looks at Alex, “I can call someone to pick us up?”</p><p>Alex, “I was thinking we could walk to my house and then Kara could take you home. Plus, I was hoping we could talk.” He looks at Nia “Thanks again for the binder, we’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>Nia, “See you tomorrow”</p><p>Sam and Alex head outside and start walking towards Alex’s house. Alex grabs the fabric of his hoodie and starts to fan himself as he’s sweating from the heat. He continues to kick rocks on the sidewalk as he thinks of what to say. Sam knows and can sense he wants to talk but doesn’t want to push and doesn’t want to start a different conversation knowing something is bothering him. The two walks in silence with only the sound of rocks hitting the concrete as Alex musters up the courage to say something.</p><p>Alex, “Sam I don’t really know what to do. I want my hair cut but how do I go about asking that? I can’t exactly just cut off my hair and them not ask questions. But let’s say I do, I just cut it off and brush off their questions, then what? What happens then?” He keeps his head down, staring at his feet, trying to not make eye contact with Sam.</p><p>Sam thinks for a minute, wary of saying the wrong thing, “What do you want to do? I support whatever decision you make but this is your transition, Alex. I don’t know much about what it means to be transgender but Nia’s talked about it a bit. Maybe she could help?” She looks at him for some sign of whether or not she’s said the right thing but his eyes don’t move from the ground.</p><p>Alex, “I want to talk to Nia about it, but it’s different. Nia already transitioned; she never went through male puberty. She knew when she was a kid. I feel like it’s different. All I know is I want my hair cut and I don’t know how to go about doing that.” He looks up at Sam. “What do you think?”</p><p>Sam, “I think that even though her experience is different, you two share the same feeling of disconnection. Yes, Nia has already transitioned but I’m sure it was tough on her too. And your mom doesn’t seem like the pushy type. Maybe just tell her you want something different; you’re tired of all the hair. She may be curious but I don’t see her pushing questions on you.”</p><p>Alex looks back at his feet, contemplating. Maybe Sam is right, he thinks, maybe she won’t think too much of it. “Would you be there when I ask?”</p><p>Sam, “Of course, Alex.” She grabs his hand.</p><p>Alex, “I guess if I’m being honest, I’m scared. I don’t want anything around me to change. I have a good relationship with my mom and with Kara and I’m a star player on the soccer team. It’s like I wish everything would stay the same besides me.”</p><p>Sam, “Your mom loves you and so does Kara. The relationship may shift but it doesn’t have to change.”</p><p>They walk across the street to Alex’s house. “Come in for a second?” Alex asks as he opens the door and they walk in. Eliza’s cooking dinner as they enter. “Hey Alex, hey Sam.” She says.</p><p>Alex looks as Sam worriedly then back up at Eliza. “Mom, I want to cut my hair. Really short. It’s hot and in the way and I don’t like my longer hair.” He looks anywhere but Eliza’s eyes. It feels like time stops as he holds his breath looking from the cabinets to the counters, anywhere but at Eliza.</p><p>Eliza feels the anxiety but doesn’t bring it up. “I think it would suit you.” She smiles and Alex manages to look at her as he can breathe again. Alex begins to say something as Kara comes down the stairs and says, “Hey Sam, let me get my keys and I can drive you home.” She looks at Alex, “Also for the record, I think short hair is definitely the way to go.”</p><p>Alex feels a weight lift off of him as Kara and Sam walk out the door. He heads upstairs and begins searching for the perfect haircut.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not really sure what to write about besides Alex's transition. Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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